his hands created an image edited by the sun

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#74819 - 03/11/10 01:24 AM

his hands created an image edited by the sun

sherlita Offline

Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 86
Loc: Louisiana

A freewrite

i was just passing by
when an act of ignoring could not well escape

suddenly,
the thought of stopping reached an early growth in the mind's womb

i stopped

stood before a painter, giving rise to haunting vigilance

this painter, after realizing the destructive potential of an old painting, decided to concentrate on a new one

i watched him

his canvas held an image
that became the resource for studying the warmth of love

for many years, he searched for
an ideal painting

like a rose thrown atop a dust covered coffin,

the truth, her time had come

and she kissed us unconventionally

and i

never thought i would be

his available model

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#74845 - 03/11/10 04:29 PM

Re: his hands created an image edited by the sun [Re: sherlita]

qwarterzone Offline

Veteran

Registered: 04/09/09
Posts: 266
Loc: Oregon

I reeeeeally like this piece
I always wanted to try to portray myself as a painter in my rhymes
lately I haven't acted on that impulse

I'm enjoying this tho', I read it twice before replying
you enforce some nice imagery, and with the picture beforehand
makes it very nice, can't wait to see some more from you!

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#75027 - 03/13/10 09:13 PM

Re: his hands created an image edited by the sun [Re: qwarterzone ]

abiona Offline

been there. done that.

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 2021
Loc: wonderland

Lita...

I really really dug the concept. i could see a street artist sitting in the sun.. catching a passing glance at inspiration and then recreating it on his easel. It was a dope mental image.

I think the presentation of it could use some tweaking here and there... some of the lines were a little too long and read awkwardly. Would love to see a more visual aspect to the piece as well, especially because it is all centered around this painting. I can imagine the scene, but would love to see the words actually structure that image, in addition to giving the backstory.

Still, dope concept. Nice to read ya again m'dear!

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